I feel like my ultimate goal in life for the past 4 years has been to lose weight, particularly the freshman 15 (more like freshman 50) that I ceremonially put on upon arrival at college in the United States. Over the course of these past four years though, I have indeed lost the weight… and then put it back on again… and then lost it again… and then put on 30 pounds in its place…

Awk…

Anyone can see why I find this frustrating. But what I find even more frustrating is the fact that lately I’ve simply not had the motivation to workout, even though I currently weigh more than I have ever weighed before. Or rather, I’m unsatisfied with my usual motivations…

I’ve always wanted to lose weight so that I can either look great in pictures, or impress that guy that I like, or to get my mother to stop harping on me about my double chin. I’ve realized that I’ve only wanted to lose weight so that I can win the approval of some person or another. And I’m not about that life anymore.

…But, now what? What’s my motivation now? ‘Do it for myself’?

I constantly see pictures on social media of my friends and their seemingly perfect bodies going for an early-morning run, or beasting it in the gym, and I can’t help but compare myself to them. I want all those things. I want the motivation to get up and work out. I want that hot body. But I don’t want to do it simply because I feel that I have to fit into some society mold of beauty or because I’m jealous that they are able to do it while I’m driving the struggle bus.

So now I’m stuck. I feel like Phoebe from FRIENDS in that episode where she tries to identify a truly unselfish good deed: I can’t seem to find a reason “unselfish” enough to workout. I still cringe when I see myself in pictures. I still wish I didn’t have to tuck my belly fat into my jeans when I sit down (don’t pretend like you don’t do it too! I can’t be the only one…). I still wonder if more guys would find me attractive if I had less fat in awkward places. I fully admit that these thoughts still cross my mind.

Perhaps the least selfish reason why I should want to lose weight is because God says in His word that my body is a temple, and so I should take care of it. Even then… it’s not like I’m obese to the point where my health is in serious danger… I know God loves me even though I have thunder thighs and more chins than the Chinese phonebook…

I suppose when I get right down to it, my biggest deterrent is my refusal to feed my perfectionism. All of those things I mentioned earlier — the jealousy, the need to fit a societal beauty mold, the neat and tidy temple — stem from my deep-seated desire to be ‘perfect’ in every area of my life. My perfectionism has driven me to tears more times than I’m willing to admit, and for the past year I’ve been trying to stifle it. And still I seem to come up short.

(Ah, irony, the opposite of wrinkly.)

I can’t help but remember the passage in Matthew 5 where Jesus says, “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” And even as I write this and begin hearing the gears in my brain click into over-thinking mode, I hear the Spirit nudge me towards 1 Peter 1:16 which says, “for it is written: ‘Be holy, because I am holy.'” The word ‘holy’ (as used in the original Hebrew to which this verse makes reference) means to be set apart, sanctified, totally “other”. God’s ultimate desire for me is to be totally set  apart for Him. To apply this to my current dilemma, I suspect that God wants me to focus on being set apart for Him, and if being fit and strong will help me accomplish his will, then I’ll be more than happy to oblige.