So many of my friends and acquaintances from school are getting/have gotten married this year, and floating amongst the lovely pictures of bridesmaids and wedding showers and adorable DIY centerpieces are well wishes from friends and family of the soon-to-be/newlyweds. And as I sit quietly creeping their profiles with the biggest smile on my face from seeing all these posts, I can’t help but wonder: what would people say to me on the eve of my wedding? And also, because my brain thinks in extremes, what would people say if they heard that I died? Would people come to my funeral?

See, over the past year I have been made painfully aware of what an awful person I am. Yep, I said it. I’m a terrible person. And having people point that out to me really, really sucks. Especially when those people are my closest friends. It gets even worse when it’s pointed out on multiple occasions. I’ve spent many nights cuddling my Zoloft and sobbing myself to sleep trying to figure out why I’m such an awful person and how I’m going to go about changing that. So it’s not surprising that in the midst of my hyper-awareness wedding congratulations and beautiful eulogies force me to stop and think.

How would people describe me? How would you describe me? If I surveyed 100 of the people I interact with the most, I’m positive that the number one answer (cue Family Feud music) would be that I’m hilarious. And they’d be absolutely correct. I love to make people laugh, even if it’s at my own expense. But is that my only good quality? Would people then have to take a second to think about it? Because let’s face it: I’m not always ‘nice’.

Why does all of this matter to me anyways? Especially in this century when it’s the norm to not care what anybody thinks about you… I’ll confess that part of the reason is because I simply want to be liked, and genuinely liked. I don’t want it to ever be the case where I step out of a room filled with close friends and they talk behind my back about what an awful person I actually am… I don’t want it to ever be the case where a guy that I like looks at me and thinks to himself: “Mmm, yeah she’s kinda cute, but now that I’ve gotten to know her, I realize that she’s not that great of a person, and I don’t want to be with someone like that.” Those situations really suck. I want people to be able to write honestly nice things in my wedding congratulations or in my eulogy. I want people to come to my funeral because they want to celebrate the life of a truly wonderful person…

Ultimately, it matters to me because I don’t want my witness as a Christian to be marred by my occasionally nasty personality. I don’t want to ever hear anyone say: “You? YOU ah Christian? Ah nuh you same one did ah insult Shaniqua di odda day? An did ah talk bout how har front teet suh buff dem coulda tun inna gardening tool???” (For my American friends, allow me to translate: “How can YOU claim to be a Christian? I’m fairly certain that just the other day I overheard you slandering Shaniqua, saying that her front teeth protrude so fiercely that they could almost be used as gardening implements!!”)

I want my future husband (and everyone else for that matter) to be able to substitute my name for every instance of the word ‘love’ in 1 Corinthians 13: “Brie is patient, Brie is kind. Brie does not envy, Brie does not boast, Brie is not proud. Brie does not dishonor others, Brie is not self-seeking, Brie is not easily angered, Brie keeps no record of wrongs. Brie does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Brie always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” As a fallen creature, I’m bound to miss the mark sometimes, but being saved by grace I know I will always receive Help to get up and try again. So thank you, friends, for pointing out my awfulness. Thank you for the tear-soaked pillows and the puffy eyes. You have set me on a new journey.

My middle name is Soleil. It’s French for ‘sun’. Our sun gives light, life and warmth to our planet. I’m going to go and be light.

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”              – Matt 5:14-16